This is the first and last time I'll write in here stoned. It's also the first and last time I'll write weighing 219 pounds. And if I ever feel feel this disgustingly full again, it will be too soon.
I know, big words. And believe me, if you knew how ridiculously afraid I am, you'd put your money on a fast collapse. You'd have every right, and I wouldn't blame you.
Unfortunately, you'd lose. See, a person can only hide behind multiple layers of fat and repeated bong hits for so many years. (My personal limit has turned out to be 29.)
I've been smoking pot off and on (mostly on) since I was 13, and every day for the last seven years. Over those same seven years, I packed an additional 50 pounds on top of the 25 or so extra I carried to begin with.
Three days ago, I was talking with a friend when I jokingly suggested quitting pot for a year and writing a daily blog about the experience. Then it dawned on me that 75 pounds would have to go, too. You know, as long as I was keeping the blog and all.
What's weird is how quickly it went from a larkish comment to some out-of-control thing snowballing towards my ability to have any real say in the matter. Sure, the idea terrified me, but it was also kind of ... exciting. Then came the piece de resistance: My 365-day experiment would begin on Thanksgiving. A day of unrepentant, uniquely American gluttony, followed by the #1 consumer spending day of the year. Consumption at its finest.
It was too deliciously perfect to ignore. It worked on every level. If I actually did this, I could lose weight. I could become a reasonably healthy person. I could be happy. I could get my life back.
I found myself calling my closest friends, telling them my idea, backing myself further into a corner. If I shrank from the challenge now, I'd be the hugest pussy on earth. I'd regret it forever. I'd have to wait another year to even try again. I could be dead by then.
Well, it's 11:55 p.m., and I've saved enough pot for a final bong hit.
*
There. Done. Nothing left. And yeah, I pretty much savored that last hit. I took my time rolling a little ball of weed between my thumb and forefinger, carefully dropped it in the bowl, fired up the lighter and pulled the smoke deep inside my lungs. I held it as long as I could, slowly exhaled ... and almost immediately felt that familiar wave of numb comfort wash over my body. Such a warm feeling. So quiet. So peaceful.
So safe.
It's funny, though. Every time I smoke pot, this experiment seems like a really bad idea. Which, I guess, makes it a really good idea.
But ... wow. No pot for a year. Steady weight loss. Change.
This is going to SUCK in a huge way.
11 comments:
Best of luck to you. Pot is a most seductive, but subtly undermining drug: it makes it so hard to change. Yet of course, it's delicious. After years of daily smoking, and years of occasional use, I'd now rather not smoke than smoke. Anyway, that's me. Hope you find your way to where you want to be.
As I was browsing through these blogs I had to stop and read yours. I wish you good luck on you endevor, Karen. I admire you for the journey you have set out for yourself and that you have taken your first step on the path. Hope you reach your destination.
great start! well written and hugely compelling. i would be hooked even if i didn't know you - though it makes me even more glad i do.
go go go!
-l
Karen
I am really proud of you to take on such a life changing challenge. It definitely will not be easy, but it sounds to me as if you have the will to get through it. If you ever want someone to talk to if you are feeling weak, I would love to be there for you. I would definitely read a book of yours that followed you through your journey and I know others would as well. We all have things about our life that we wish we could change and perhaps your comments can help inspire others.
It was so great to hear from you. Happy Thanksgiving!
xo
mcginn
Wow... and once again, wow.
Kudos to you.
I started my own blog yesterday because I am feeling so disconnected from my own life. Sorta like just "going thru the motions".
One thing for sure, as in all things mental/emotional/physical, you're probably going to have to dig up a lot of things in your past that have brought you to this difficult yet exciting crossroad.
I've got you bookmarked and pray that you will come out on the other side, very pleased with yourself and the knowledge/confidence gained.
If you ever want to comiserate, I'm at http://musikmom.blogspot.com/
Best of luck and blessings to you!
okay, karen...this is gonna start me bloging as i can't miss out on this nail bitter.
best of luck,
love ya!!
dean the queen
Here's to you K.
I'm always here for you.
B.
so good.. if awake is the new sleep, it's daylight here for 'after hours' support - or anytime.
a.
As a former toker, my prayers for God's best are with you.
Bravely going were K has not gone before ... a small step for her and a wonderous exposure of writing talent for us all to enjoy ... you fucking go girl :)
Stumbled upon your blog and had to have a looksie - the pic of the croissant lured me in!! My boyfriend is a daily smoker, he tried to quit but really didn't try very hard!! Personally, I prefer getting blind drunk, weed robs me of the ability to move, and I like moving!! The annoying thing about men is that they don't get so fat when the munchies hit - damn them with their high metabolisms!!
Well, keep it up! My blog's pretty trivial and naff, but take a look if you're bored!!
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