Day 51: Kicking the Hermit to the Curb.

I never used to be a hermit.

I mean, I've always enjoyed my down time, and longtime friends would attest to my tendancy towards staying home. But I'm also someone who moved to London right after college - to work and live for a year - without knowing a soul. I did the same thing seven years later when I dropped my career and moved to Los Angeles. I can talk to just about anyone, I don't frighten easily, and no one would ever call me shy.

It wasn't until maybe five or so years ago that I started truly dreading having to leave the house. Part of it was that I'd gained weight, and I didn't want to see people, but that was just one reason. When it came right down to it, I wanted to remain ensconced within my four walls, safe and secure ... and stoned.

My agoraphobic streak was also influenced by the fact that I was in a relationship with someone who preferred that I had no life. Life made her just a little bit too nervous. For years, I stopped traveling and stopped going out.

I guess this is all coming up because I'm flying to Phoenix tomorrow to see Samantha and her son Napoleon (Samantha has been my best friend since high school - for details see Day #15). I haven't seen Sam and Napoleon since I went back East this past summer, and I miss them both terribly.

And yet, the thought of going puts me ever so slightly on edge. Once I get there, I'll be fine - thrilled, even - but the thought of going is sometimes difficult. It's almost like exercising ... the anticipation is the hard part.

Enough is enough. Being a hermit makes me, well ... crabby, and it's no one's fault but my own. I haven't smoked pot in 51 days and I haven't been trapped in a relationship for eight months. How long can a person blame current habits on old circumstances? Even Maggie, who is unconditionally accepting of just about every eccentricity and flaw I have to offer, gently prods me away from the hermit thing.

It's easy to curl up inside a borrowed shell when life begins to pile on. The hard part is to crawl back out when the coast is clear.

Well, from what I can see, the coast is clear.