From The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things - Hieronymus Bosch, 1485
I was asked not long ago to choose between the seven deadly sins - which one do I most often abuse? Which sin is my ultimate downfall?
Like a deep, dark truth you know about yourself but rarely voice out loud, the answer immediately filled my brain's information screen. I (of course) didn't want to cop to it, so I insisted on going though the other six ... just to make sure I wasn't being hasty. It took a few minutes to come up with all seven (I always forget about wrath), but finally, I ticked through the list.
1) Wrath (originally, the Latin "ira"): I lose my temper sometimes - and I've been known to be a bully - but generally speaking, anger's not my bag.
2) Lust ("luxuria"): I've never been able to figure out why this one's a sin.
3) Sloth ("acedia"): If I had to choose a second-worst sin, this would be it.
4) Envy ("invidia"): I have a jealous streak - and I've been known to occasionally envy the success of others - but I wouldn't say it's anywhere near the top of my Sin List.
5) Pride ("superbia")" Like most of us, I make plenty of stupid decisions based on pride. Luckily, it rarely takes me long to backtrack and make things right.
6) Greed ("avarita"): Sure, I can be greedy, especially if you define greed as the need for more and more. But if you go by the more traditional definition (desiring money, power, and/or material possessions), it's not where my ultimate weakness lies.
No, my Numero Uno Sin is, of course ....
Gluttony ("gula").
"Modern views identify Gluttony with an overindulgence of food and drink, though in the past, any form of thoughtless excess could fall within the definition of this sin. Marked by unreasonable or unnecessary excess of consumption, Gluttony could also include certain forms of destructive behavior, especially for sport, or for its own sake." - Wikipedia
Yep. Pretty much sums things up. After all, if you look back at Day One of this blog, I say that I started it on Thanksgiving Day because it felt like a classic case of wanton consumption.
Nothing is ever enough for me, and nothing ever has been. I guess when there are missing pieces inside, you have two choices: You can learn to mind the gaps, or you can spend your life chasing anything you think might fill them in.
I've tried to do both, and as is often the case when one pursues multiple paths, neither one ever takes you where you truly need to go.
If I sit at the edge of my life today and take it all in, I can see where my neediness tends to override pretty much everything else that might be happening. I've got a literary agent and my manuscript is currently sitting with five publishers (waiting to be read), but that's not enough. I want it to sell. And then that won't be enough - I'll want it to be a huge success. And then I'll want one of those silver Newberry Award medals on the cover. And then I'll want whatever it is I'll want next. Nothing will be enough.
Mind the gap.
I'm crazy about Tea, but no matter how clearly she demonstrates that she feels the same way, I'm constantly on the lookout for disappointment.
Fill the gap.
And then there's food. I don't need to go into any detail about that one.
Mind it ... Fill it ... Whatever works (or doesn't).
I have a terrific day job (as far as day jobs go). I work limited hours doing something I like and get paid very well for it. That doesn't stop me from complaining, whining and trying to get out of it on a regular basis.
Nothing is ever enough.
It scares me. It scares me that the primary reason I despise neediness in others is that I'm often that person myself. It scares me that 43 years into the only life I'll ever have (Buddhist hopes aside), I'm still cycling through the same basic shit, still looking for ways to compensate for what's missing.
It may surprise you that I'm not unhappy as I write this. There is no dark cloud over my head. I'm merely frustrated, overtired, unnerved by the various states of limbo, and perhaps a little bit disappointed in myself.
My goal today is to embrace that which is good in my life - to appreciate what I can without worrying about what comes next.
The full Bosch work from which the top panel was taken.
3 comments:
great post - pretty close to mandatory reading for anyone.
svp can you identify the bottom image - doesn't quite look like Bosch; brilliant western wheel of life..
Gluttony, envy, neediness, lust, ... they are all forms of greed I think. The constant wanting is a big cause of suffering for most of us. Too bad everyone couldn't see themselves like you are starting to; the world would be a better place.
You can see the hole you keep falling into, now you can start figuring out how to walk around it.
M
---
I found this someplace last week. Seems appropriate now.
There is really nothing you must be and there is nothing you must do. There is really nothing you must have and there is nothing you must know. There is really nothing you must become. However, it helps to understand that fire burns, and when it rains, the earth becomes wet.
-Zen saying
This was a beautiful and meaningful post! Thank you for sharing......it helps you and all of us.
Post a Comment