Day 74: I'm Just So Retarded Sometimes.

Okay, repeat after me: "Karen is a dumbass."

(Jackie and George are not allowed to participate in this little exercise, as they will enjoy it far too much.)

So now you might be wondering, "Why is Karen offering up this self-deprecating little mantra?" Well, I'll tell you why.

At the inaugural Weight Watchers meeting last week, I felt I was too cool to actually attend the new members after-meeting. The regular meeting was, as you may have ascertained, surreal enough - "the cats love to nibble my bun" story was just one of many I could have relayed.

And so, instead of sitting with the other newbies to hear the Day One Weight Watchers spiel, I got in line to purchase a QuikTrak book (where one records daily intakes) and followed the Day One meeting from across the room.

The oh-so-perky meeting leader was using a huge, 3'-high flip-chart to run through the basics, and the page I remember paying close attention to was the one that listed how many food points one was alloted, per day, according to his or her weight. There was a list, and I remember squinting ... it said that anyone weighing 200-225 pounds was allowed 26 points per day.

For the next four days, I labored - as my blog entries attest - under the 26 points per day rule. I fought the temptation to ditch the 26-point range and used very few of my 35 "weekly bonus points." I was ridiculously hungry - like, my stomach was making noises no human body part should make - but I persevered (I want a red bookmark thingie on Wednesday, remember?).

Fast forward to this morning. I'm sitting there staring at a block of reggiano-parmesan cheese, which weighs .68 pounds, and I'm trying to figure out how much I should cut off to equal one ounce. I think I've mentioned I'm retarded when it comes to math, weights and measures (geography too, while we're at it ... oh - and directions), so it shouldn't surprise you that I couldn't remember whether there were 16 or 32 ounces in a pound. I was pretty sure it was 16, but I wasn't positive, so I got the bright idea to check the Weight Watchers book they'd given me. Surely, I assumed, there would be a list of measurements in the back.

So I'm flipping through the book when I stumble across the page that details how many food points are allowed for the various weight classes. Next to 200-225 it says, quite clearly, 36.

That's THIRTY-SIX.

I'd been toiling under the misconception that I only had 26 points per day when in fact I had 36. For fuck's sake. What a goddamn retard.

And this brings us back to the aforementioned mantra that started this entry: "Karen is a dumbass."

I called a few people this morning to tell them of my latest humiliation, and Grace was among them. After laughing (for a bit too long, as far as I was concerned) her first comment was, "Well, don't go using this to eat too much today."

Thanks, friend :)

After that, she reminded me for the fiftieth fucking time that I won't lose weight unless I exercise.

Again, thank you, my love. And to think there was a time when I was infatuated with you.

Anyway, the point here is pretty obvious: Read the fucking instructions. Pay attention. Put "need to know" above "being cool." You know, advanced thinking. The stuff you don't get to figure out unless you visit the guy on the mountaintop.

The good news is, it was a "Bank Error in Your Favor" type of mistake. Unlike last week's gut-wrenching "you're way heavier than you thought" moment, this was a "you've been doing better than you needed to" moment.

Now, like Grace says (though I still don't care for her at all) I just need to remain focused and dedicated.

After all, it's not about losing weight or the blog or my health or looking better or even being a 'tard ... it's about that stupid red bookmark thingie.

Mark my words, I'll be getting one.