You can hide, but you can't run.
No, even if you've managed to pretend they were gone, your self-destructive tendencies are always right there, waiting, anxious for an opportunity to reemerge. Unfortunately, that opportunity goes hand in hand with feeling lonely (tough to avoid) and being happy ("potentially happy" will do in a pinch).
I've always considered myself to be a master of self-sabotage, a true aficionado who elevates the practice to an art form. It's not just that I've found so many different avenues to take, it's the way I make the whole process appear so effortless.
How have I managed to self-sabotage over the years? Well, let's see ... there's the whole weight thing (which is obviously still an issue), the daily pot smoking (on hiatus), being needy and controlling as a way to push people away (still struggle with that one), slutty behavior (has been largely dormant, but wants to make a comeback), alcohol (in the past, it paved the way for "slutty"), internet distractions (from online euchre to having a social life online), cocaine phases (also dormant, but like riding a bicycle), relationships that were wrong for me (where did those six years go?), television (which really cuts into the whole idea of reading a book), and spending beyond my means (an oldie but a goodie).
It's easy to see why I'm so ripe for self-sabotage these days. First of all, I've been trying to make two major (gasp, positive) changes in my life - quitting pot and losing weight - and that alone makes me my favorite target. Second, I've met Maggie, and even though our relationship has the one little catch (Day 21), it definitely brings out the best in me. She motivates me in all the right directions, and I like who I am when I'm with her or talking to her on the phone (anything that leads to the words "I like who I am" is just asking to be sabotaged). Third, I've just finished a rough draft of a book, and anything is possible (i.e., failure is possible). And finally, I feel bored and/or lonely sometimes, and for whatever reason, I tend to go with self-destructive as a first response.
You'd think that recognizing these triggers would help me avoid the reflexive instinct to be a sabateur, but I guess that would just be too easy. For instance, I was supposed to have the official first draft of the book ready by Sunday night, but I drank too much last night and therefore rendered today a washout. I felt shitty about myself, spent the day disliking me, and then canceled plans I was supposed to have tonight.
When I spoke to Maggie this morning, and told her I was afraid I was going to slip back into old, self-destructive patterns, she said, "Well, that's the nature of addiction, right?" It's funny - I'd never thought of self-sabotage as something "addictive," but I guess it is. Being your own worst enemy is most defininitely an addiction.
I just need to figure out how to kick the habit before it drags me back down.
4 comments:
Hi there,
Just wanted to drop a line and thank you for sharing your experience in this blog. Its very funny! I've been a food/diet editor two women's magazines, and always thought they should do a piece on "The Best Weight Loss Blogs." Yours would be right up there!
Have a nice Sunday ;-)
Amanda
I can say that I've fallen into some of the same vices including a few more. Mine is definitely related to childhood issues that I'm afraid will never be resolved as long as I'm a mother to my two girls. I hate this because the self-loathing never goes away. People like me find ways of dealing with it but there it sits like the elephant in the room that we refuse to acknowledge. For as long as I can remember, I've convinced myself that "I'm okay" but it's never enough. (The Zoloft is a godsend, tho!) The reason I know this is because I still have one particular "self-destructive" habit that I just can't get past. It's a daily reminder that I still have issues that I haven't fully dealt with in a positive manner. It's very insidious (sp?) in that it doesn't harm my family or career. After years of therapy, I'm in a much better situation but not where I'd like to be. I think sometimes we allow everyday "life" get in the way of the process. "I don't have the time, money, etc." Change sucks. There is an intensity of pain and insecurity that seems to consume us when we make that leap. At this point in time, I am refusing to change. I'm "comfortably numb".
You've lessened your degree of your "bad" habits and that's a start. In embracing the change, you are also having to embrace the pain. (I know the feeling of wanting to go back. I was behind a guy in line; I so badly wanted to buy cigarettes after seeing him do it! I didn't because I knew if I did, I would go back... hard!) I wish I had the answers but always here to comiserate!
Hugs and regards,
Mon :-)
Hi. Check out my Feb 25 post about Transistion and Revelation. I think you, I and Musikmom are on the same page tonight. Two steps forward, one step back.
M
Well, no great self-sabateur stops on a dime, K. It's just not possible to lose so much "talent" overnight, unless you're suddenly and completely paralyzed. Even then, thoughts could take you to dark places. :)
I figure it's kind of like learning a new and difficult craft. You get some of the basics down, play around with them, mess them up a few times, then start to add on new things. In other words, you experiment, use new knowledge, gain more experience, and get better at it. Unfortunately none of this precludes screwing some things up along the way. But, if all goes according to plan, the mess ups eventually lessen - unless you're completely brain damaged (which you aren't). :)
So yeah, the day was a bust because you disappointed yourself. But, I'll bet tomorrow won't be. As I recall from your writing, you used to have days in a row that were busts. Hmmm - an improvement? Plus, you saw what you did and wrote about it - another improvement? I think so. -SN
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