It was a simple enough question: "What size are you?"
I couldn't answer. I just sat there, frozen. With four words, Tea had opened the door to my single greatest insecurity, and she had no idea. As the seconds ticked by - and I remained silent - the moment just continued to get stranger.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The background is this: I received a new pair of jeans in the mail this morning (moss green, new with tags, for $12 shipped - buying clothes on eBay is just about the smartest idea ever). I was wearing them when Tea stopped by this afternoon, and she remarked that they looked good on me. That's when the size question popped out.
I immediately knew why she was asking. Tea likes to frequent thrift stores and she also likes to buy little presents. She was asking so that if she happened to stumble across a pair of pants in my size, she could pick them up.
When it became clear that I wasn't going to answer, Tea looked at me.
"You're not going to tell me?"
"I can't."
"Why?"
And there it was. All I had to do was stop the Drama Train and say it; after all, it's not like she doesn't know what I look like. The attraction between us is solid, and she's always saying sweet, complimentary things about my body.
"I just don't want to say," I finally muttered. "I'll tell you in two sizes."
Tea's expression changed as she shook her head.
"That's so insulting. I can't believe you think I would care."
I still couldn't answer. I was watching myself turn an innocent question into Drama, and felt powerless to stop it. I'd been doing a good job of keeping my weight/body insecurities out of my relationship with Tea, and suddenly, there they were, out on full display.
Finally, a good 10 minutes later, I looked at her and quietly said, "16."
Tea shrugged. "That's what I would have guessed."
I know, I blew this thing way out of proportion. Sorry, but you trying telling some hot little Size 6 chick that you've five tags up on her in the wardrobe department. It's no fun.
It's even less fun to realize that if I'd just said "16" to begin with - like it was no big deal - I would have looked confident instead of cliched.
When will I learn?
5 comments:
Oh man, I can so relate...
ouch!
~z
Tea sounds like a lovely gal.
I'm glad you've met someone special!
I'm sure your guard will come down gradually, when you feel more secure with her. Take your time..
alex
This made me wonder how you view other women's bodies. Do you date women heavier than you or do you only desire thin ones?
Man that insecurity around the weight issue can be an absolute bit*h!! I can so relate to this post....but, as they say, recognition is the key....so good on ya for recognizing it and giving yourself the option of doing things differently!!
Once again you are speaking my language. I'm glad things with you and Tea appear to be moving along. Continued good luck!
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