Day 416: Self-Sabotage Monkeys.

The Self-Sabotage Monkeys were out in force today, hitting me between the eyes on two different fronts: career and romance.

I hate it when they do that.

First, the career. I sent the revised Falling Joys draft off to the agent this afternoon, and the second I walked out of the post office, the monkeys began their obnoxious chatter. What if it's not good enough? What if there are mistakes? What if you didn't go far enough? What if you went too far? They're not going to like it. Stop dreaming.

When I told them to shut up and mind their own business - after all, it's a very good manuscript, and if this agent doesn't take it, another one will - all they did was laugh.

I hate the way monkeys laugh.

But if I managed to quiet the little shits on the manuscript front, I had a much harder time on the personal front.

I recently met a very cool girl with a strange name and an even stranger nickname - let's just call her Tea for now - and we had an excellent first date. We were supposed to go out to some bar, but Tea has a foosball table in her apartment (a big place on a hill not far from me that would cost a fortune if she hadn't rented it years ago), so we played foosball and drank champagne and she DJ'd a great mix of old vinyl (The Stooges, Buzzcocks, The Stones, etc). She kicked my ass in foosball (I dug that) and a good time was had.

At the end of the night it became clear that there was definite mutual chemistry, and I wasn't seeing any red flags. Tea is old enough to take seriously (39), has a good job (film/tv editor), is smart, makes me laugh, has interesting hobbies (racing vintage dirt bikes, making short films, collecting records), seems emotionally balanced, and (not for nothing) is incredibly easy on the eyes. She's a definite California native (words like "rad" and "dude" are on the table), but I actually find that kind of cute.

Anyway, the date ended on a very good note, and I had nothing but positive thoughts. The good vibe continued today, when she called and invited me to lunch (oh yeah - I should mention that the only drawback here is that she works the graveyard shift at a network - as in 9 p.m. until 5 a.m. - and then sleeps until noon. It's not ideal).

The monkeys began their evil chatter as soon as she picked me up. You don't look as good as you did at night, when the warm glows and champagne softened everything. Now it's the harsh light of day. She's thinking twice. You know she is. She's figured out you're overweight. Your hair looks shitty. She's 5'3" and weighs like, 120 pounds - get real. She wishes she hadn't kissed you. She just wants to be friends. Duh.

Nevermind that we had a very nice lunch, and that a few flirtatious lines were dropped. Nevermind that we've talked on the phone twice since then and had good conversations. In Karen's monkey brain, if someone's not overtly telling you they're into you, they're probably not.

For the most part, I stood my ground today. I know the manuscript is good, and I certainly have a shot at getting representation. I like this girl Tea, and there might actually be some potential there (if I can possibly manage not to act like a total freak).

But I have to admit, I really hate those god damn monkeys.