Day 129: The Ultimate Stumble.

I guess it had to happen.

I managed to keep this going for 128 days, though, and that's what I need to be proud of. That's where my focus needs to be if I'm going to move forward.

My excuse, I suppose, if I'm allowed to have one, is that I've been through a lot these past few weeks. I can't even begin to describe the emotional toll of it all.

I guess tonight I just couldn't take it anymore.

The fact that I was where I was to begin with tonight was my first sign of trouble. I spent the evening with someone I used to have a more intimate relationship with. Someone who not only doesn't care about this experiment, but would be secretly pleased to see it fail. Okay, so calling her a friend is a bit of a misnomer - she probably never got over her anger at me for the way I ended things (despite her repeated promises to the contrary).

Like I said, I haven't been in a very good place lately.

Anyway, the longer the night went - the more I gave in to her - the more horrible I felt inside. And so I tried to make up for it the old-fashioned way: by drinking.

After a few too many shots of Patrone, I managed to rationalize myself into a place where smoking pot would actually be a good thing. "It would be cool to describe how it felt to be stoned after a hundred and twenty-whatever days without it," I told myself. "This way, I can do a whole
'getting back on the wagon' type of thing. No one will care. It will be better for the experiment. It will be better for me to have proved I can get back on track."

And so ... I did a bong hit.

No, strike that. I did six or seven bong hits.

I'm not sure I've ever felt such conflicting emotions in my life. I knew I would regret it, but at the same time, it felt so fucking good. Just to feel the smoke in my lungs, that familiar numbness sweeping over me almost instantaneously, the gentle ride of the long, slow, exhale ...

Oh, forget it. I can't even keep writing this.











April Fools.

Come on now, people - you didn't really think I'd fuck this whole thing up, did you? My mom is in town, and we had a lovely dinner and a very nice evening.

Heh.

I slay me.