Day 380: Hammer Time.

Sometimes, when you can't find the right art, you just have to make it yourself.

I went on a date yesterday and actually had a pretty good time. We played pool during Happy Hour, and the games were fun. The conversation was lively. The girl (Alice) was cute, bright enough, and had a good sense of humor. On paper, we should have hit it off.

But there was no romantic spark. None. Seriously - when you've each had a couple of drinks and you're still not flirting, well, that's just a serious lack of chemistry.

It got me thinking about my take on the laws of attraction, and what it is I'm looking for. Then, on the drive home, it hit me: Alice was a nice girl and all, but nothing about her hit any of my bells (and, apparently, I hit none of hers).

I wasn't picturing ordinary bells, though - they were those bell and hammer games you play at the county fair. You know, when you use a hammer to smash a platform as hard as you can, the goal being to make the little metal thingie shoot all the way up and ring the bell.

I think four Hammer Bells need to ring in order for there to be a true connection: Emotional, Physical, Intellectual, and Companionship.

Or, if you want to make an acronym out of it (and you know I do) ...

A four-bell person is E.P.I.C. (there can be Epic Girls and Epic Boys; this is a theory that crosses gender and sexuality lines). An Epic Connecion is rare indeed, and if you're lucky enough to stumble across one, you know it in your bones.

What needs to exist for a particular bell to sound?

The E-Bell looks at a wide range of emotional issues, from basic kindness and compassion all the way over to stability (no mental cases, please), maturity (no drama queens, thank you very much), and sincerity. The ability to process a problem quickly and efficiently is also key.

The P-Bell is the most obvious. Does the thought of kissing this person make you feel all melty inside? Do you even find his or her physical shortcomings attractive? And, at the end of the day, is this someone you simply like looking at?

The I-Bell covers basic smarts, self-awareness, the depth, range and power of conversation, and the degree to which the person is both interesting and interested. Are you challenged, intrigued, surprised and confounded? Does the potential exist to grow in directions that might actually keep it that way?

And then there's the C-Bell: Companionship. This one's about the day-to-day - the level of basic compatibility when it comes to everything from workday routines to shopping to vacations. Is this the first person you want to see when you wake up and the last one you want to see before going to bed?

Granted, it's tough to know on a first (or second or third or tenth) date whether or not someone is Epic. But you can generally tell pretty damn quickly when someone isn't. (As a believer is all things idealistic and romantic, I suppose I should add that yes - I do believe in rare cases of love at first sight. I swear, it's a fucking miracle that I don't believe in unicorns and the magic of rainbows).

Hey, if nothing else, the Epic Theory makes it easy to rate a date.

She was a two-bell girl, but in the other two categories, she barely registered.

Well, he only hit one bell, but since it was the P-Bell, I went home with him anyway.

That date sucked - she didn't even have a hammer!

And then, there's ever elusive:

Holy shit - I think I've met someone truly Epic!

Hope springs eternal ...