After
When I woke up this morning, there were two issues weighing heavily on my mind:
1. Tomorrow's weigh-in. Would I have to have to write yet another post about being stuck in the Deuces? I wasn't sure I could bear it. I wasn't sure you could bear it.
2. The State of the Front Yard. It sounds silly, but it's been a huge source of stress. For several months I've been ignoring an already-ignored yard, and thanks to recent rains, the carpet of weeds had become (I kid you not) waist-high. Not only was I worried about neighbor complaints (and in this neighborhood, that's saying something), my mother is visiting in two weeks. I knew something had to be done, but couldn't bring myself to deal with it.
Well, as I sit down to write this, I can breathe a sigh of relief. Not only has the front yard been cleared out, I'll bet all the money I don't have that I'll be waving goodbye to the Deuces tomorrow.
All it took was a phone call from Maggie this morning - one in which she said she just couldn't do it anymore (yes ... "it" means us). The guilt's been ripping her up and she's been miserable. (I knew she'd been unhappy the last few weeks, but I didn't realize I was the cause.)
Anyway, talk about incentive. First I couldn't eat all day (I still haven't managed to get anything down), and second, when my tear ducts finally paused for a refill (just after noon), I took a weed whacker to the front yard like a woman possessed. If any of you find yourselves choking on emotional fallout any time soon, I can't recommend it highly enough.
I'm actually pretty confident Maggie didn't really break up with me at all. She only pretended to dump me as a way to help out. She'd heard me agitate about the lawn, and she knew I was nervous about the weigh-in. She had a "two birds with one stone" moment and figured all I needed was a little boost.
Unfortunately, I didn't throw up the way I usually do when something hurts this much. That totally would've been good for another pound.
If only she'd said she didn't care about me anymore ...
4 comments:
I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. Try not to turn away from it. If you can, stay with it. Look it in the eyes and accept it. Understand it. Do this and you will find that YOU are not your pain. The pain of sadness and frustration is just another emotion that comes and goes. Your pain is not who YOU are.
Continue to channel your hurt into positive action (exercise, personal growth). It will help.
Being involved with a married person is never a happy ending. Cut your ties now and don't let bitterness overwhelm you.
Based on your blog, it sounds like Maggie has done a lot to inspire you. Hold on to the inspiration and let everything else go.
She's married. She is not for you.
Good luck at the scales today. Hang in there.
So sorry for the pain you're going through. If you're so minded, ask Bob for a copy of the Rumi poem "The Guest House." It's useful for times like these.
xo,
ESM
It's such a shame we can't always have even what's good for us. Both you and Maggie will mourn the ending of what might have been wonderful - under other circumstances. It's so often all about circumstance and timing. Unfair, maybe, but just the way it is.
I'm sorry for your pain - and Maggie's. She sounds lovely and you both sounded like such good friends. Maybe you'll be able to be that - just friends - down the line.
In the meantime, bless your yard with your tears and your dogs with your restless legs. Ultimately it will all work out because you're on the right path. Well, maybe not work out the way you've planned, but that's sometimes the fun and glory of living. Things can actually turn out SO much better than we could have imagined.
Stay strong and on target!
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