I got lost on the way to my weigh-in this morning. Literally and ridiculously lost.
Mind you, I've driven there six weeks in a row. Not only that, it's barely ten minutes from my house and less than a minute from my bank. And yet there I was, going the wrong way on the wrong expressway. Clueless. I finally had to pull over and close my eyes and force myself to focus.
Talk about not being present. My head was as lost as I was.
Of course, I was thinking about Maggie. I can't help it. I've read all the advice here (and listened to a lot more) and not only am I grateful for the support, I know everyone is right. I know it in my head ...
But I miss her so very much. I miss everything from the way she says hello, her geek side, and repeated bits of humor to exchanges I can't go into because nice girls don't talk about those sorts of things in public (fine, I'm not nice ... but my mother reads this blog). I miss the way she says darlin', and the way my voice changes when she talks to me.
If there's one thing I'm confident in, it's the rarity and power of the connection that exists between us. And that's something no one can truly understand except her and me.
At the end of the day, however, all of that means nothing as far as what's happening right now. I have to let go. I'm trying to remember to breathe, trying to remember I have no control over the situation, trying to remember that she's thinking about me whether we're talking or not.
One of the hardest parts in all this is feeling so adrift. As tonight's post might be making painfully obvious, I'm a little bit all over the place. My daily conversations with Maggie were like a kite string that kept me feeling tethered, and now, with it suddenly cut, I feel aimless. I know that's just a perception, but it's a strong one.
Salvation lies in my ability to fight that perception and continue my forward motion. Regardless of when - or if - I speak to Maggie again (damn, the "if" part of that sentence was hard to write), my goals need to remain the same: Keep getting healthier (and smaller), keep writing, keep attacking my baggage, keep focusing, keep trying.
That said, I wish I were feeling more celebratory about saying goodbye to the Deuces today. I mean, I'm pleased - and I'd be truly miserable if it hadn't happened - but for right now, anyway, happiness is a bit of a stretch.
Faith, focus and moving forward - those are the keys. Otherwise, I'll just keep getting lost.
3 comments:
Be patient.
First, congratulations on leaving the deuces - fantastic.
Second, you aren't used to it working out this way. You have an uncanny knack of getting it to work out your way. You've learnt that often, if you hang in there and use all your charm, it works out. I remember similar situations with happier endings.
So maybe this is a middle and maybe its an end, but whatever it is be gentle with yourself - your in new territory.
love,
Soph x
funny how we all believe our own experiences to be definitive. patience, working out in the end.. so here's another - it's Maggie's to work out. if she weakens and wants to resume the old situation, don't give in.. it won't be the same, but unequal and poisonous to you both. she needs to sort out her own life and come to you unencumbered or not at all.
and yes, congrats on the other 'loss'.
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