Day 137: Messy and Non-Linear.

A picture, an introduction, a beginning, middle and end, a concluding line that wraps everything up with a neat and tidy observation ... this is the bread and butter of how I write. It always has been. I break my thoughts into bite-sized paragraphs as a way to bring order to chaos. To shape a reality I can wrap my head around. The problem is that not every feeling can be contained, not every story has an ending, not every thought can follow a comfortable, linear line. Tonight I wanted to write about a date I went on the other day - a very cool and bright and attractive and funny woman who's quite obviously interested in me. We met for coffee, spent two hours talking, had a very nice time - and then I got in my car and cried. I want to see her again because I do like her, but at the same time, I already feel an obligation to tell her that I feel a total lack of true emotional availablity. I could easily spend time with her, and I'm sure we'd have fun, and maybe we still will. Like I said, I like her. But the truth is that despite all these great qualities I see, she's not her. She's not the person I truly want to be spending time with. I tell myself these feelings will change as more time goes by, but all I really hear is my head talking. My heart knows the truth. My heart knows that certain connections are so rare they stand up and scream at you and you just can't hear anything else.