I never took chemistry in high school. The farthest I got was biology, after which I discovered a loophole through which I could drop-kick science and math and load up on AP English and AP History classes instead.
In addition to shining a bright light on some of the gaping holes in my knowledge base, this might explain why I'm both fascinated and confounded by the laws of romantic chemistry. It's not the physical attraction stuff that sidelines me - I get that we're physically attracted to some people and not others. That makes perfect sense. But the "why" behind the deeper levels of chemistry that exist between two people (or don't), well, that's a constant source of consternation.
I bring this up because, since returning from Hawaii, I've been out twice with a woman named Leslie - she of the coffee date that resulted in my messy and non-linear post (Day 137). She's attractive, bright, stable, interesting, loves dogs, and we have physical chemistry. We've had several excellent conversations and some very nice banter. But in the moments that matter most to me - when there's nothing to prop up a human connection besides spontaneous interaction manufactured out of thin air - I find myself bored. On paper, she's great - but the deeper chemistry, the chemistry that exists in the lulls, already feels strangled.
Why? All of the elements are there - she seems to have all the right stuff - so where's the Lull Moment Chemistry?
I'm tempted to blame the fact that my heart is elsewhere, but that's not it. That might explain why I wouldn't want to get serious with someone right now, but it doesn't address this "deeper chemistry" thing.
My greatest fear, of course, is that my expert Inner Saboteur is rearing her nasty little head. Remember the Seinfeld episode in which Jerry is confronted with the fact that he can find any excuse imaginable to dump a potential relationship? I think one flaw he cited was that a date's middle toe was longer than her big toe. That was enough for Jerry. So maybe this whole "Lull Moment Chemistry" shortcoming is actually fueled by my own bullshit. Maybe it's the result of my need to find something wrong. Like ... is it really so bad that someone would choose to install wall-to-wall carpeting? Or that she hates talking about politics? Or paints the walls boring colors? Or uses the word "pooches" when referring to dogs? Or doesn't talk about books enough?
I guess it is, because I know how I feel when the Lull Moment Chemistry is truly clicking (not to mention effortless). I know what it feels like to look forward to every single word that spills from someone's mouth, and to be delighted by the fact that what actually comes out is different (and far better) than what I'd imagined. I know what it feels like to be talking to someone and know that there's no other person on the planet I'd rather be talking to.
I like Leslie - I really do - but I worry that there's already an expiration date on our time together. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm probably not.
Tonight is Grace's 40th birthday party, and, thanks to the fact that she won the immigration green card lottery last week (she's Irish-born and grew up largely in Australia), she has two reasons to celebrate. I'll spend the evening surrounded by a gazillion West Side lesbians (Grace is far more connected to L.A.'s fashionable power dykes than I am), and as I mingle, I'll be contemplating the laws of attraction and the nature of chemistry. I doubt I'll figure anything out, but hey - you never know.
1 comment:
Chemistry in high school is easy. It's all memorization and recipes.
The chemistry of love, that's another story. It's so complicated that it's pointless to describe. It's complicated beyond words.
When I was single, my mind fought with my heart all the time. I second-guessed and rationalized constantly, because I so desperately wanted to be in a couple, to find true love. It never worked. I had several affairs that crashed in anguish because me or my lover let our heads lead our hearts. I don’t regret the pain though because it taught me to recognize “Miss Right” when she came along.
When I met my wife, my intuition raised no flags. The magic of chemistry just took over and my heart was all that I needed. I had no doubt that she was right. It took a long time to find her, but that's OK. That's how long we needed to become the people we needed to be.
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